Ring Crew Reviews: WWE Survivor Series 2006

• Traditional Survivor Series Match: Team WWE Legends (Ric Flair, Sergeant Slaughter, Dusty Rhodes, Farooq and Arn Anderson) vs. Team Spirit Squad. You know the Spirit Squad, right? They were the male cheerleaders with Vince who were tag champs under the Freebirds rule of everyone getting to defend. Included in the group were Dolph Ziggler (under a different name) and Kenny Dystrka who dated Mickie James and does who knows what now. They entire stable was squashed by DX and mailed back to OVW in a crate. No, really, that’s what happened.

• Ron and Mikey to start. Farooq with a shoulderblock. Mikey with a headlock and Farooq tosses him away. Mikey goes to the eyes but runs into a powerslam. Ron knocks all of them down but gets tripped up as he runs off the ropes toward none of them in particular considering they all were on the floor. Farooq chases one of them around the ring and Arn is there to send him into the ringpost. The ref counts out Farooq and Mitch at 2:00 but I have no idea how the hell you were supposed to know Mitch was legal. Farooq gives him a spinebuster and that’s that. Arn gets thrown out by DQ for his involvement at 3:00. Slaughter and Dolph are in now. Fans with a tepid USA chant. Dolph wants a shake and Sarge no sells and slams him a couple times. Dusty in with the elbows. Flair in and he’s the only legend with gear. Flair with chops and tags Sarge back in. Sarge with a short arm clothesline and goes to the Cobra Clutch. Dolph is out but Johnny in and waffles Sarge from behind with a roundhouse and puts Dolph on Sarge for the 3 at 6:34. Dusty drops an elbow and Dolph is out at 6:55. Dusty gets isolated in the heel corner but hits elbows. Dykstra is in but Dusty starts no selling and hits some jabs and the bionic elbow. Dusty whiffs on another and gets school boyed and he’s gone at 8:30. Flair with an inverted atomic drop and covers Mikey with his feet on the ropes and Mikey’s out at 9:20. Dykstra with a backdrop on Flair. SNITSKY TAUNT! Flair avoids another backdrop and small packages Kenny at 10:00. Johnny shoves Flair from behind. That ignites into a chop war and Flair wins that. Kneebreaker, chop block and a Figure Four later and Flair’s the last survivor at 10:40. This was excuse to get the legends on the card which is fine but the match isn’t very good. *1/2 for brief glimpses of nostalgia, especially for Arn’s enforcer stuff even if it lasted about 30 seconds.

• WWE United States Championship: Chavo Guerrero vs. Chris Benoit (c). Vickie is with Chavo and Chavo’s a heel because he’s paying tribute to his Uncle Eddie with a sneer. Cole says Benoit has a “HUGE score” to settle. Rey did an injury angle off losing an I Quit match to Chavo and Benoit didn’t take kindly to it.

• Benoit with rights to start and a slam and drops an elbow. Benoit with a backbreaker but Chavo kicks out at 1. Benoit sends him into the turnbuckle and chops. Chavo comes back with some strikes and Benoit no sells and chops him down. Snap suplex for 2. Benoit with a slam but Chavo sends him into the turnbuckle and more Euro uppercuts. Benoit with a headbutts and more chops in the corner. Benoit with a back elbow for 2. Back into the turnbuckle for Benoit and more punches from Chavo. UHHHHH. This has been like wash, rinse, repeat of strikes and into the turnbuckle so far. Chavo boots him several times. Benoit with the armbar TD and wants the CC but Vickie puts Chavo’s foot on the ropes. Cole: “The crossface is a submission maneuver.” Benoit with more knees and a back suplex for 2. Chavo now sends him into the ringpost. Cole says this may be a turning point but I doubt it considering he’s already done it four times. Chavo with a Saito suplex for 2. Chavo goes to a Chicken Wing. Benoit counters to a Samoan drop but runs into a Bluechipper dropkick for 2. Chavo with several boots to the shoulder that hit the ringpost earlier. Chavo with another Euro uppercut and taunts. Chavo chokes with the boot but misses on a shot. Benoit goes to the Rolling Germans and hits all 3. He calls for the headbutt. He heads up top but Vickie is there to distract. Benoit goes for it anyway but Chavo moves and Benoit eats mat. JBL: “It’s only cheating if you get caught. It’s like going on the road and sleeping with a hot chick. IT DON’T COUNT IF YOU DON’T GET CAUGHT!” Chavo with a vertical suplex and calls for the Frog Splash. The crowd boos him because they weren’t invited to the family reunion. Chavo hits it but Benoit kicks out at 2. Chavo taunts and Benoit gets the double leg and wants the Sharpshooter. Chavo goes to the eyes and then kicks Benoit off but he collides with Vickie on the apron. Chavo with a school boy for 2 but Benoit kicks out and floats into the CC and Chavo taps at 8:30. Nice ending sequence but everything else was boilerplate and Chavo was vanilla tonight. Just had nothing interesting. **

• WWE Women’s Championship: Mickie James vs. Lita (c). JR: “King, for tonight at least, Mickie James will not have her arm tied behind her back, she’ll not have her ankles shackled, and she will not be blindfolded. Sounds like your prom date.” King wisely avoids a tussle on that one. This is announced as Lita’s last match with the fed. Mickie with a smack and a drop toe hold to start. She boots her and then botches an eye rack on the ropes. Not exactly an auspicious start. MJ with some knees and then Lita sends him into the turnbuckle instead. Lita with a monkey flip and some GnP. Lita tosses her out of the corner to some taunts from the crowd. Lita with another lethargic hair toss but eats a clothesline from MJ. King: “Lita’s diaphragm has an odometer on it.” JR: “I don’t know anything about that.” Mickie tries an up and over but Lita throws her to the mat a few times and hits a knee to jeers. Lita chokes and drops a few knees. Lita with a Russian legsweep for 2. Crowd chants that Lita’s a crackwhore as Lita hits a few low blows for 2. Lita with a snap suplex for another 2. Lita goes to an RNC and a bodyscissors. King continues to try to find ways to completely bury Lita on commentary. I get that she’s a heel but it’s a bit much. She heads up top but whiffs on a crossbody. MJ heads up top but Lita back suplexes her off the top. Now the crowd says Lita has herpes. They exchange some sloppy rights and MJ gets a clothesline and back elbow for 2. MJ with a spinkick for 2. MJ with a Perfectplex for 2. Lita shoves MJ into the corner but eats elbow. MJ wants the Anti-Newtonian rana but Lita counters to an alley oop. Lita with the moonsault for 2 which JR calls a Litacanrana. Lita tries a DDT but MJ counters by grabbing the ropes and gets a roll up for 2. Lita with a small package for 2. MJ with the O’Connor roll for 2. Lita with another roll up for 2. MJ with the rolling DDT for the 3 to win it at 8:23. They tried but it was lifeless and dull, plus King’s commentary is uncomfortable for me. *

• Post-match, Lita gets the stick and cuts the typical Raven, “what about me?” promo. Cryme Tyme comes out and sells Lita’s underwear and bras to the crowd for cash. JBL buys her panties after selling them.

• Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Tag Match: Team DX (The Hardyz, CM Punk, Triple H and Shawn Michaels) vs. Team RKO (Johnny Nitro, Gregory Helms, Mike Knox, Edge and Randy Orton). Trips gets the stick. They try to get each side of the crowd to cheer the loudest for a bit. Pretty cool crowd interaction here. Then randomly, the crowd starts chanting CM Punk and Triple H manages to segue that into DX’s shtick. 10+ minutes for all the entrances and introductions. H wants Kelly Kelly to get on the apron because she’s an exhibitionist, you know. KK obliges. H wants her to take off her top. Mike Knox takes offense and shoves Trips. HBK gives him the Sweet Chin Music from behind and Knox is gone at :41.

• HBK walks her to Triple H and then asks him, “Who was that?” That’s funny but also pretty indicative of how little internal respect was given to ECW. Crowd chants for Punk but instead they get more Nitro and HBK. After a criss cross, HBK baseball slides out and poses with Melina who thinks it’s Nitro and then both freak out. Funny stuff. Back in, HBK with chops on Nitro. Jeff Hardy in who was the current IC champ. Jeff with a sleeper neckbreaker and tags in Matt. They hit some double team stuff for 2. Nitro pulls Matt into the corner and Helms is in. He pulls Matt off the second rope and tags in Edge. Edge boots and steals the MHV1 taunt. Helms back in with a suplex and then Orton is in. Matt busted his mouth on some move. Nitro back in with GnP and taunts. Matt with a Side Effect and tags in Punk to a pop. Punk with some kicks and knees. They keep calling Punk, “The Future of ECW.” Punk with a high knee and a bulldog. Nitro gets hung up in the ropes and uranaged into the Anaconda Vince and he taps out at 4:56.

• Edge in and puts the boots to Punk. Edge runs into a boot and Punk mounts in the corner. Helms distracts and that allows Orton to sneak him and Stun Gun him. Orton in with a Bluechipper dropkick for 2. Helms back in with kicks and goes to a front facelock. CM PUNK! CM PUNK! Helms with a Codebreaker and tags in Orton. Punk with some rights but Orton hits the RKO. Delayed cover gets 2 as HBK breaks it up. Edge in and wants the Spear but he eats turnbuckle. Punk makes the tag to Trips. He clears house and hits a high knee on Helms and Orton. Trips with a jawbreaker and wants the Pedigree but Edge takes him out from behind. Jeff dumps Orton. Jeff and HBK hits stereo planchas to the floor. H with a spinebuster on Helms. He tags in Matt who hits the Twist of Fate and Jeff follows with a Swanton and Helms is gone at 9:25.

• The heels are down to just Orton and Edge vs all of the faces. Rated RKO gets the tag belts an tease taking a walk to huge boos. The Hardyz chase them down and bring them back to the ring. They drag them in for damage from all the faces. Edge eats a couple of corners moves and a SCM from HBK and he’s out at 10:38.

• Orton is all alone and he just not realizes it. He jumps the barricade but the Hardyz bring him back too. He eats a SCM and a Pedigree. H covers for the shutout victory at 11:33. Successful mostly because of the charisma of the participants moreso than any great wrestling or storytelling. Still enjoyable though. **3/4

• First Blood Match: Mr. Kennedy vs. The Undertaker. In the package for this, Kennedy’s shtick is basically that he isn’t afraid of UT and won’t be swayed by magic tricks, lightning, and smoke. He busted open Taker with the mic and now UT wants his blood. Kennedy’s in the back but MVP interrupts and wants his help. Kennedy has some vaseline to prevent getting busted open and MVP gives him a pep talk but says he has his back if need be. After his entrance, Kennedy takes the turnbuckle pads off the top on his side of the ring. Kennedy calls himself the “Future of Sports Entertainment” and JBL changes that to “Future of Smackdown.” Cole adds, “It may well be back to the future,” which makes no sense but thanks.

• Kennedy leads UT around the ring before putting the boots to him back in. UT no sells and comes back with soup bones. He shitcans Kennedy and sends him into the announce table a few times. Now, UT throws his ass around ringside and into the stairs for more rights. UT with a few headbutts and hiptosses Kennedy back to ringside. UT with a big boot. Kennedy counters and sends UT into the stairs now for a mild Foley bump. Kennedy now with the rights and into the announce table. Kennedy tries a splash off the apron but UT catches him and drives him into the ringpost. UT now goes to work with shots to the ribs. UT puts him up top and crotches him because there’s no pad from Kennedy taking it off earlier. UT with a top rope suplex and more shots to the ribs. Kennedy comes back with some shots and a low blow but UT no sells and hits a big boot. JBL starts comparing UT to boxers are Kennedy hits another low blow. Kennedy rolls to the floor but is actually bleeding from the nose. MVP HAS COME OUT! He whips the blood off Kennedy but the ref misses the whole thing. MVP says they should take a walk. MVP instead rolls him back in to turn on him. UT sends him into the exposed turnbuckle and then pounds him down with more rights. UT mounts in the corner but Kennedy counters and drops UT on the turnbuckle. Kennedy smashes him again but UT isn’t busted open yet. MVP slides in with a chair and tosses Charles Robinson but accidentally waffles UT. UT blades and MVP is scared shitless. Kennedy pounds down UT and Charles Robinson recovers and calls for the bell at 9:25. Enthusiastic punch, kick fest but nothing else. ** Post-match, Kennedy tries to gloat but UT no sells, zombie sit up and DESTROYS him with a chairshot and a Tombstone.

• King Booka is in the back and he’s confident about his shot tonight because he beat down Batista with the scepter a few nights previous.

• Team Big Show (MVP, Test, Umaga, Finlay, and The Big Show) vs. Team Cena (Rob Van Dam, Sabu, Bobby Lashley, Kane and John Cena). Cena and Umaga to start. They slug it out and Umaga wins. He tries a charge but eats turnbuckle a couple times. Cena clotheslines him to the floor and pulls Finlay in. Umaga is pissed and trashes the announce table. RVD in with a slam on Finlay and a legdrop. Umaga in with a monitor and smashes RVD and Umaga is out by DQ at :57.

• The match now breaks down as Umaga continues to go crazy with the monitor. JR: “SOMEONE GET THE SWAT TEAM AND ARREST THIS CRAZY BASTARD!” Kane and Lashley clear the ring. Finlay smashes RVD into the apron and then slides him back in. Test in with boots and elbows in the corner. RVD tries a crossbody but Test catches him and slams him down. Finlay back in with boots to the midsection. Finlay drops an elbow and tags in MVP. MVP almost botches a cover and then goes to a chinlock. RVD elbows out and gets a roll up for 2. RVD with a spinkick. They slug it out and RVD hits the mule kick. The heels come in but all eat kicks from RVD. MVP jumps him from behind. RVD wants the Rolling Thunder but Test pulls him to the floor. RVD slides out and sends him into the ringpost. Kane in and hits the ChokeSlam on MVP. RVD up top and hits the 5SFS and MVP is out at 5:31.

• Test in with a big boot to blind side RVD and now he’s hitting the showers at 5:40.

• Sabu sneaks Test with a school boy for 2. Test shitcans him but Lashley Spears Test. Lashley slides him back in and Sabu hits a springboard legdrop and a tornado DDT to exit Test at 6:19

• Showster in and he no sells for Sabu and ChokeSlams him and Sabu is out quickly at 6:38.

• Kane in and he and Show go eye to eye. They both go for the goozle but Hornswoggle slides in to do nothing other than distract the ref. Finlay uses the opportunity to waffle Kane with the shillelagh. Show ChokeSlams Kane and he’s out too at 7:26.

• Cena in but runs into a powerslam from Show. Show tags in Finlay who hits a few butt bombs on Cena. Finlay with a short arm clothesline and cheapshots Lashley so he can work over Finlay in the corner behind the ref’s back. Show in with a headbutt and then smacks Cena around. JR a bit off his game can’t decide on the metaphor: “That’s like getting him with skillet, frying pan… catcher’s mitt hands.” Finlay back in with a charge in the corner and kicks Cena around. He comes off the top but Cena gets the boot up. Cena with the hot tag to Lashley. Lashley with clotheslines for Finlay and a back elbow. Lashley with CLUBBINGBLOWS and a T-Bone suplex for 2 but Show breaks it up. Cena and Lashley both go after Show but all go down after a triple clothesline. Finlay and Hornswoggle slide in. Finlay tosses HS to Cena but Show boots him down. Meanwhile, Lashley with a Spear in the confusion and Finlay is out at 10:29.

• Lashley and Cena take down Show with a double shoulderblock. Lashley covers for 2. Show no sells some shots but gets sent into the turnbuckle. Cena in and they botch a double DDT for 2. Cena tries a suplex but needs Lashley’s help to get Show over. Cena calls for the 5KS and hits it. Show goozles Cena but Lashley Spears him into an FU and the faces take it at 12:35. Fun but too much starpower and upper card credibility for the quick exits. Match felt about 5 minutes long. *3/4