Ring Crew Reviews: WCW Road Wild 99

• Scheduled Card:
1. Six Man Tag: Vampire and Insane Clown Posse vs. Rey Mysterio, Kidman, and Eddie Guerrero.
2. WCW World Tag Team Championship: Harlem Heat vs. Jersey Triad (c).
3. Six Man Tag: Curt Hennig, Bobby Duncum Jr. and Barry Windham vs. Perry Saturn, Dean Malenko, and Shane Douglas.
4. Buff Bagwell vs. The Cat.
5. No DQ match for the WCW United States Championship: Diamond Dallas Page vs. Chris Benoit (c).
6. Sid Vicious vs. Sting.
7. Goldberg vs. Rick Steiner.
8. Macho Man Randy Savage vs. Dennis Rodman.
9. Loser Must Retire Match for the WCW Heavyweight Championship: Kevin Nash vs. Hulk Hogan (c).

• The video package for this is all Hogan-Nash. It’s played up as FINALLY the match that we were promised back at the Fingerpoke of Doom and now we’re getting. Hogan claims he’s turned over a new leaf and Nash responded by powerbombing him through the announce table. Oh yeah, it’s career vs. career. Right.

• So, this is the outdoor show in Sturgis like every year (all four years). The crowd is bikers and they are a unique bunch that didn’t have to pay for tickets.

• We start with Tenay and Tony in laughable locale garb of denim jackets and Tony has a backwards golf hat on. Brain is wearing all black and a gold chain. Looks like they were the rejects from that sacrilege starring Tim Allen a few years ago, Wild Hogs. Brain says that either Nash or Hogan may wind up on the Mount Rushmore of wrestling but only time will tell. Tenay says the ramifications of this match will be felt for years to come. Brain tries to sell Rodman-Macho by saying how long Rodman’s limo was earlier in the day.

• Six Man Tag: Vampire and Insane Clown Posse vs. Rey Mysterio, Kidman, and Eddie Guerrero. WCW tries putting over the Vampiro/ICP team as “Deadpool.” Tenay tries to convince legions of bikers to buy an ICP album. Also, another trend is emerging. The production truck is going to try and find as many biker females in bikini tops as they can and so far they’ve up to five and none are worth writing home about. The faces clear the ring as Tony lists off all the motorcycle brands on his notes and Brain wonders if he got a new tattoo to show his allegiance to his brotherhood. The faces pound down on Vampiro and looks like Kidman is legal. Kidman gets a Low Down powerbomb and Eddie is in with his slingshot senton and Rey hits a slingshot leg drop. Eddie shitcans Vampiro so Kidman can hit some weak boots and botch bringing him back in. Crowd LOVES Eddie. Eddie hits a leg lariat and a Euro uppercut. Eddie tries a monkey flip but he lands on his feet and Vampiro hits a mule kick. Vampiro shitcans Eddie now for some ICP boots. Vampiro torques a headlock and throws Eddie into the heel corner for more lazy cheating by just pointing the ref in the direction of the faces. That’s weak even for the indies much less WCW. J hits a clothesline and a jawbreaker and tags in Shaggy who hits a vertical suplex. Vampiro back in and more pathetically lazy heel stuff. Crow chants for Eddie as he hits a knucklelock rana but is drowned out by some bikers reffing up. Vampiro hits a BookEnd but Kidman breaks up the cover. ICP in and hit a double suplex. Shaggy goes up top but Eddie crotches him and hits a top rope suplex. Eddie makes the hot tag to Rey who hits a seated senton called a Thesz press by Tony. He hits a Lionsault but Vampiro breaks up the cover. Rey does the 619 fakeout but Raven pulls him out and throws him into the stairs. Vampiro hits the Nail in the Coffin on the floor. They pose and mock so Vamprio can throw him back into the stairs and the ref again pulls away the faces. This is shit. J with a sideslam for 2. J sends him hard into the turnbuckle for 2 and a kneebreaker as Tenay, apparently bored with lucha libre and puro history, has been beefing up on his ICP music background. Brain makes a joke about them and Tenay takes it seriously and responds by saying it’s a CONSPIRACY, JIMMY! CENSORSHIP! THE MAN IS HOLDING THEM DOWN… by giving them a PPV match and free advertisement on cable! Vampiro hits a nice Jackknife on Rey and hits a low blow. More heel chicancery. Shaggy with a Bulldog powerslam. They shitcan Rey near Raven as this drags on and on. Eddie at least helps save him. Back in, Shaggy hits a clothesline but then clumsily runs into a couple of boots in the corner. Rey with a split leg moonsault and tags in Kidman. Finally, the faces clean house and Rey no sells all that stuff to hit a Bronco Buster. Eddie manages to hit two planchas and Rey hits one as well. Kidman hits the SPP on Shaggy for the 3 to win it at 12:22. About five minutes too long considering they had nothing to add in the second heat segment other than letting the ICP hit some moves and the first heat segment wasn’t much to go on. At least, they didn’t really botch anything. *3/4

• WCW World Tag Team Championship: Harlem Heat vs. Jersey Triad (c). Triad is Bam Bam, Kanyon and DDP and have the old Freebirds rule in that any of the team can defend. Stevie had just recently reformed his evil ways to join back with Booker T for Harlem Heat but this is still before Ahmed Johnson showed up to steal Booker’s initial AND a buffet worth of green onions and jellybread. Kanyon gets the stick and says these rednecks can’t afford cable TV and that gets a bunch of bike revving to drown him out. That’s kinda cool actually like vuvuzelas at soccer. It’s a brawl to start and Stevie shitcans Kanyon and then they HORRIBLY botch a spot where Stevie was supposed to whip Bam Bam into a sidekick from Booker. They clear the ring and pose and the crowd is behind them. The Triad regroups to talk strategy as Brain talks about Stevie having “team rust.” Kanyon wants the test of strength but of course he’s faking and pounds away. Tony talks about the wounds of the HH break up. Brain: “Emotional wounds don’t heal. Just ask my seventh wife.” Kanyon with some surges in the corner but runs into a sorta press slam from Stevie and Bam Bam comes in and gets slammed too. Triad again powders out. Booker in with some rights on Kanyon and the crowd loves that as he’s over HUGE. Booker with a hammerlock. MORE BIKE REVING! Kanyon chokes and pounds away in the corner. He runs over Booker with a shoulderblock but runs into a dropkick on the second one. Cover is broken up by Bam Bam. Stevie and Bam Bam back in. These guys are feeling out like this is going half an hour or something. REV THE BIKES FOR STEVIE! Stevie and Bam Bam just stand there waiting I suppose because they can’t call a match with the fucking bikes going on. Lock up and Stevie tries a shoulderblock but Bam Bam stands stiff. Now they repeat with Bam Bam but he outsmarts Stevie with a boot which Tony calls a “classic maneuver.” Stevie comes back with a clothesline but BB gets a gut shot and tags in Kanyon. Kanyon with a few elbow drops and a double ax handle which apparently reinforce his “innovator of violence” moniker to Tenay. That’s weak but Kanyon DID deserve that name as he had quite the moveset but not for anything he just did. Kanyon mocks the bike revving which pisses off the locals. Triad hit a double clothesline and Stevie is now forced to move out of range into uncharted territory: selling. Bigelow goes to a chinlock as he’s apparently gained 25 lbs during the match alone because Tony already called him 325 but now he’s over 350 according to Tenay. Stevie elbows out but runs into a knee. BB drops a headbutt for 2. Kanyon in but Stevie hits a slam only to whiff on an elbow drop. Kanyon wants a piledriver but Stevie catapults him back to crotch Bam Bam up top and makes the tag to Booker. He’s in with flying burritos and a spinkick for 2. Booker wanted the ax kick but Bigelow shitcans him by lowering the bridge. BB sends him into the guardrail and the stairs. Kanyon puts him up top for the super Rocker Dropper for 2. Kanyon wants the same move again but Booker reverses to a nice powerbomb. Bam Bam and Stevie in with the tags. Stevie with some weak stuff and Bigelow cuts him off with a headbutt but Stevie goes to the eyes and hits a kick. DDP HAS COME OUT! but Stevie whips Bigelow into him to knock him off the apron. Booker comes off the top with the missile dropkick and Stevie gets the pin to win the belts at 13:11. Eh, another whatever match. Booker’s about 9000x more mobile and athletic than Stevie that it’s a shame he had to get dragged back into carrying the team. Surprisingly, though, they were over even if the Bam Bam/Stevie sections were in slow motion. **

• Six Man Tag: Curt Hennig, Bobby Duncum Jr. and Barry Windham vs. Perry Saturn, Dean Malenko, and Shane Douglas. Whose idea was it to book three tag matches in a row? Hennig and co are the West Texas Rednecks and luckily the No Limit Soldiers were already gone by this point. Even in an Indiana Jones hat (not really a cowboy hat), Hennig still does the gum swat. Tenay tries to tell us their entrance music is some new song off an album but the truck screws up and plays the old music. Like a jackass, Tony wants Tenay to guess what the face music is as if the screw up was his fault. Douglas, Malenko and Saturn were in the “Revolution” stable that didn’t last long although they aren’t being called that here. The Revolution gimmick was basically a shoot because they were guys that wanted opportunity but never got it. Most of the stable would be gone in less than a year to form the Radicals in WWE.

• It’s a six way brawl to start after Saturn calls them “ladies” but the Revolution quickly clears the ring. Hmm, same EXACT start to the last two matches. Nice to see these guys working together to prevent that sort of thing. Malenko now and Windham are the legal men. Malenko with an arm drag and then hits a clothesline in the corner. Saturn in and they hit a double back elbow as Saturn knocks the others off the apron. Saturn goes to a lying headlock. Douglas in and he stupidly follows Windham into the heel corner and gets his ass kicked. Saturn pulls them away long enough for Duncum to get tagged in although their timing wasn’t great. Douglas runs into a big boot but comes back with a whip and a powerslam as Brain and Tony talk about how wrestlers get injured but still make a lot of money for only working half the year. That could be a shot directed at any number of wrestlers so who knows. Saturn in with some kicks on Duncum but Duncum gets a Batista kick and brings Windham back in. He tries a hip toss but Saturn blocks and comes back with a Gargoyle and a belly to belly suplex. Saturn knocks the heels off the apron but the other Windham blasts him with the bull rope behind the ref’s back and now Saturn is in a bad way. Perfect in and he gets the somersault neck whip and punches Malenko on the apron and NOW the cheating finally works the right way as the ref holds off Hennig, they do a blind tag and Duncum jumps in and he shitcans Saturn for some a beatdown on the floor. Beautiful. Leave it to Hennig to get it right. Back in, Duncum gets a 2 count but Saturn shakes it off and gets a German suplex and tags in Malenko. That’s pretty unsporting of Saturn. Malenko in with a dropkick and a vertical suplex straight into GnP. Douglas and gets an elbow drop off a drop toe hold for only a 1 count. Shane goes for the Pittsburgh Plunge but Perfect breaks it up. Shane rolls to the floor to get worked over on the heel side of the ring and Windham hits him with the bullrope as Tenay mentions Shane’s ECW background without ever saying the letters. Perfect goes for another chop but Shane ducks and atomic drops Perfect on the ringpost. Nice. Shane goes up top but Perfect distracts the ref long enough for Windham to pull Shane down and then Perfect to slam him off the top. More precise timing from the heels on their cheating. Windham in with a back suplex for 2. Windham mounts in the corner with rights and gets another clothesline for 2. Duncum in as the crowd faintly tries to get behind Saturn but dies. What the hell is with the crowd getting into ICP and that snoozefest with Harlem Heat but can’t get into this? Duncum with a shoulderbreaker for 2 but Saturn breaks it up. While the ref holds back Saturn that allows MORE heel stuff from Windham on the floor with choking. Ya gotta love heels that know what they’re doing. Hennig with a thumb tot he eye and tags in Duncum as Tenay talks about Gorgeous George and Savage. Duncum with a vertical suplex for 2 and goes into the chinlock. Douglas elbows out but runs into a knee as Tony pontificates on whether or not cowboy boots slow you down and Brain opines that they don’t if you’ve been wearing them all your life to kick ass. Good to know. Windham in with a DDT for 2. Shane and Duncum shoulderblock each other and it’s double KO but Perfect goes to the apron and gets a few right hands behind the ref’s back. Duncum in and hits a running clothesline and tries another but Douglas gets the boot up and SWAT team rolls to tag in Saturn who LIKE THE WIND BLOWS ACROSS THE RING! That’s what Tony says anyway. Saturn knocks them down but Barry’s in to attack him and now it’s broken down into a donnybrook. Malenko with a leg lariat and wants the Cloverleaf but Windham waffles him from behind with the cowbell as the ref was trying to maintain order on the other side. Shane attacks Kendall and dumps him. Saturn after sorta botching it, gets Duncum up for the DVD and hits it to win at 10:57. Not a super exciting match, especially given the dead crowd, but effective cheating from pros who know what their doing goes a long way. Much better than the first 2. ***1/4

• The brawl continues after the match but the Rednecks lose that one too and one of their cowboy hats and Saturn stomps it a couple times.

• Buff Bagwell vs. The Cat. Something that’s appreciated though I haven’t made much of it is the inclusion of video packages for each match. Most of them have been subpar to average but like I said, I appreciate the effort to give viewers background on the feuds. The gist of this feud is that Cat claimed to be the greatest dancer of all time but Buff took umbrage and said he may be the Cat but he’s not the stuff. Buff was turned face due to his return from a legit broken neck on a botched Rick Steiner bulldog and this feud included Buff dressing up as Cat and stealing his ruby red slippers. Not kidding. Hilariously, Cat and Sonny Ono are wearing black leather vests and skull caps to suck up to the bikers who still hate them. Cat tries to sell them on his dancing and they still aren’t buying. Cat gets the stick. CUT THE MUSIC! The crowd revs up every bike in the joint and drowns him out. Tony says he’s found his ride home which is code for an attractive brunette on a bike but Brain railroads him and compliments her beard. Haha. Cat finally gives up trying to get a word in and one of the idiot cameramen does a close up of Mae Young’s doppelganger in a tube top. DAMN. I didn’t need to see that. Brain says she’s from PITSburgh. Buff gets the stick but Cat steals it back to try and talk and they drown him out again. Funny. Cat threatens to jump the rail but Doug Dellinger holds him back. Buff gets the stick and says Cat “is not a crowd favorite, if you know what I mean.” What the hell? That’s not even a euphemism. Cat tries sucking up again by showing off his rebel flag gloves and they still rev him out. This is an absurd amount of prematch time for this but is still funny.

• Cat talks strategy with Ono to start and Buff poses to a pop as Tony reminisces about Medusa taking out Ono’s bike with a sledgehammer. Cat with a hiptoss and he poses and taunts. Cat with a bodyslam and more posing. THREE TIME KARATE CHAMP! Crowd calls him a pussycat. Buff blocks a hiptoss this time and hits one of his own and a bodyslam and another. Buff clotheslines him over and Cat takes a breather and the crowd loves it. This is some remarkably effective old school stuff. Nothing complicated but it’s working. Cat makes fun of a fat guy in the front row and Tony talks about his “strategical” advantage. More stalling from Cat but he gets a right and some choking in the corner. Cat tries a press slam but Buff slides out and hits a couple of dropkicks. Buff mounts in the corner with rights but Cat gives him a low blow and a superkick. Cat poses again and prematurely celebrates. Ono chokes Buff behind the ref’s back. Cat covers for 2 and then chokes some more. Cat with a front kick that Buff bumps like hell for. More choking from Cat and then Ono chokes behind the ref’s back. Buff awkwardly rolls away from Cat who grabs a chinlock. Crowd chants for BUFF! BUFF! BUFF! REV THE BIKES, TONY! Buff elbows out but Cat goes to the eyes and wants a suplex. Buff blocks and comes back with one of his own but Buff is too out of it to cover. Swing and a miss and Buff hits a couple of atomic drops and a crossbody for 2. Cat comes back with a jawbreaker. Ono gets on the apron but Buff sends Cat into him and then gets an ugly O’Connor roll for the 3 at 7:24. What a bizarre match. You’ve got damn near 10 minutes of pre-match antics and stalling that the crowd ate up but then a wretched match with WAY too much choking and a fluke roll up for Buff who can’t even beat the Cat without a distraction. *** for entertainment, * for technique and such. ** average.

• Post-match, Cat beats Buff down and Ono steals his pose.

• No DQ match for the WCW United States Championship: Diamond Dallas Page vs. Chris Benoit (c). DDP gets the stick and cuts a generic promo and apologizes for talking smack about Benoit’s mom but then says anyone can do it for 2.99 a minute. OOOOOOOOOOOO. The best part is that DDP steals Andrew Dice Clay’s OH! To sell the joke. Tony says that DDP is returning to the location of “one of his greatest matches” meaning that tag match with Leno. Yes, THAT match. DDP jaws to start and so Benoit gives him a low blow and goes to work. DDP comes back with a boot and tries a powerbomb but Benoit hits some rights to counter. DDP powders out and Benoit gets a baseball slide dropkick. Benoit tries a dive but DDP catches him in an inverted atomic drop and sends him into the guardrail. Tony finds a way to bring up Hulk Hogan based on seeing red and yellow colors. I wonder if Tony Schiavone ambles in to McDonald’s and starts talking up Hulk Hogan to the person in line in front of him. Maybe Bojangles, Hardees, Atlanta Hawks games. Back in, DDP gets a belly to belly for 2. DDP removes the scrunchy and then wipes his sweat on Benoit using the vag BANG hand gesture. Awesome. DDP goes to the Camel Clutch for like 5 seconds and instead flapjacks Benoit down with a fireman’s carry. DDP taunts to big boos. Covers for 2. Tony says that DDP doesn’t have the overall physique of a Buff but he’s “deceptively strong.” Must be all that sneaky weightlifting and secret supplementation. DDP with a gutwrench into a gutbuster and choking from DDP. This is slow as shit as apparently heel DDP means interminable. DDP with a couple of knees but Benoit comes back with a roll up only for DDP to take him back down with a clothesline. More stomps from DDP and paintbrushing. Benoit tries a flurry but runs into a spinebuster for 2. They work the cover for a few but Benoit gets a nice roll up for 2 only for DDP again to take him down with a clothesline. More generic pounding from DDP but at least he’s sneering with GUSTO like a B-movie villain. DDP with a sideslam for 2. Benoit reverses to a backslide attempt and then switches to a jawbreaker. Nice. Benoit heads up top but DDP crotches him and hooks him in a Tree of Woe. DDP smacks around the ref and steals his belt and whips Benoit with it. DDP poses but Charles Robinson gets Benoit out of harm’s way. Brain: “Tony, did your dad ever whip you?” Tony: “No.” Brain: “Well, get in the ring, you need it.” Tenay tries to stick up for poor old Tony. Tenay: “Bobby, did your dad ever whip YOU?” Brain: “I wouldn’t pay him enough.” DDP chokes with the belt and Benoit looks out. DDP covers for 2 only. DDP with more taunting and posing. DDP gets Benoit up for a powerbomb and uses the belt wrapped around for leverage. Benoit escapes and starts whipping him instead. Benoit catches him in a German suplex for 2 to HUGE BIKE REVVING! Benoit hangs on for the Rolling Germans. Benoit heads up top but MY GOODNESS! IT’S KANYON! He knocks Benoit off the top and DDP catches him in a Bossman Slam for 2. We get a split screen of Revolution watching from the back and aren’t here to help Benoit for some reason. Benoit gets a school boy after sending DDP into Kanyon for 2 but DDP comes back with the Discus LARIATO! Now, BAM BAM HAS COME OUT! He hits a splash off the top but Benoit still kicks out at 2. The Triad tries to triple team but Benoit escapes and they collide like the Keystone Cops and do the crotch spot and then Benoit hits a low blow headbutt. Benoit heads up top and gets the Diving Headbutt for the 3 to retain at 12:14. Decent match elevated a tad by DDP’s thoroughly enjoyable mannerism and dickish personality and Benoit’s nice counters and just both guy’s chemistry together. ***

• Next, the crew hypes Nash-Hogan and then give away a free motorcycle.

• Sid Vicious vs. Sting. Sid is the Millenium Man and hasn’t lost in a while so sayeth Tony. He’s taking on “a man called Sting” labeled by Tenay and Tony aint having that shit: “Not a man called Sting but THE man called Sting.” REV THE BIKES! Sid powders out to play mind games and threatens to take a walk. Brain says, “This man Sid Vicious will take you to the watercooler.” That’s one way of referring to it. Sid finally gets in the ring and gets a shot in the corner but Sting avoids a charge and hits a couple of Stinger Splashes already. He clotheslines Sid to the floor. The bikes were deafening during that. Sting throws him into the crowd for nothing and then walks him all the way over to the other side for the same weak spot. It’s weak because there’s no damn room for the bikers to move and Sid basically has to lay on the guardrail and then the fans shove him back over. Back in, Sting tries another Splash but Sid moves and boots Sting down. Sid threatens to hit him with the DEADLY RIGHT HAND! The fans give him no reaction so he hits the right anyway. Sid with a lazy powerslam for 2. Sid chokes and goes right through the 5 count and the ref only yells at him. Sid with a Bossman attack and a backbreaker for 2. Sid goes to the chinlock. Sid releases the hold to hit one of those shitty HoganLines and then poses in the corner. Sid tosses him and gives him Snake Eyes on the guardrail. Sid sprays some water on him. Back in, Sid’s all I’ve got a fever and the only prescription for it is MORE CHINLOCK! Tony rambles on about Sting overcoming the adversity of restholds throughout his career for about half an hour before Sting elbows out. Sting ducks a shot and takes him down with a shoulderblock which Sting bumps off and they do the fall on the stones spot. Sid no sells the fucking groin shot and goes up top but Sting slams him off. Sid trips him up or they botch something can’t tell. Sting recovers to hit a slam and wants a dive but Sid gets the knees up. Cover gets 2. Sid with another Snake Eyes and then blows some snot on himself. Sting comes back but runs into a boot. Sid goes up top but Sting hits a superplex which Sid sells by GETTING UP AND WALKING INTO THE CORNER TO SET UP STING’S NEXT MOVE! I HAAAAAAAAATE that spot. Sting hits the Splash in the corner. Sting hits another and tries one more but Sid catches him in the ChokeSlam to win it at 10:42. That’s not a bad ending but didn’t seem to have any rhythm to it. Plus this match was ass. Just unbearably slow and generic. At least a heel got a clean win for once. *1/2

• Goldberg vs. Rick Steiner. This was set up by Rick setting up Goldberg in a couple of beatdowns with Sid’s help. Goldberg challenged him: “Steiner, bring your ASS to Sturgis and put it on the line!” So if Goldberg wins, he gets Rick’s ass which I’m assuming doesn’t mean Scott. Tony says this match has “all the makings of a classic.” Goldberg is coming out to that epically inferior Megadeath song. Crowd revs and then chants for Goldberg. Slugfest to start and Rick wins that one but Goldberg gets a clothesline to even the score. Goldberg tries another but Rick gets a back elbow which Goldberg no sells and gets up BEFORE Rick. Goldberg with a superkick out of the corner and Rick bails. Tenay says Goldberg has been really training his submissions lately which they were saying since he debuted but I digress. Rick back in shoves the ref into Goldberg and then gets a BLATANTLOWBLOW! Rick then takes the brace off Goldberg’s knee and waffles him with it. Rick puts it on his arm for the Jax effect and drops an elbow. That’s actually a good idea if he can do it without shitting on the whole match by doing it in front of the ref. Rick hits a clothesline with the brace and then goes into the Recliner using it. Ref counts to five and then pulls Rick away. Tony: “Mickey Jay very lenient with the rules and I suppose rightfully so. This is not an illegal object. This is not a so called ‘foreign’ object. It’s something Goldberg wore to the ring and it’s completely legal.” WHAT? WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT? That’s just… well yeah. Moving on, Rick continues waffling Goldberg with it and then flips off the crowd with both hands and on camera yells FUCK YOU! And then grabs his stuff to pantomime for the crowd and complete the 8th grade trashtalking trifecta because he’s about to lose his ass and wants to reassert his manhood. This sucks. Rick with a belly to belly for 2 and then more brace damage. Rick with a DDT for another 2. Goldberg blocks some shots and hits some rights and a press slam into a badass Bulldog powerslam. Goldberg hits the Spear and Rick actually jumps INTO it. Goldberg hits the Jackhammer and Rick is toast at 5:39. It’s a good thing they took the belt off him six months ago to free him up for midcard squashes. Pathetically lazy cheating by Steiner. If they’d gone ahead and made it No DQ or something at least he’d have an excuse but as is it’s just SO artless. 1/4*

• Macho Man Randy Savage vs. Dennis Rodman. The story here is that Rodman returned with Arliss as his manager by waffling Macho and then stealing Gorgeous George presumably to defile/deflower her, the Joe Son school of heat. Rodman dresses like a bizarro world Simpsons pimp. Mach doesn’t have GG with him tonight because he says she’s being protected by the same person who drove the Hummer. Big Bossman? Goldust? Papa Shango? Rikishi? Kevin Nash? Rodman takes a good five minutes to come out from the back while his music plays on and on and Tony and Brain say it’s “mind games.” He’s wearing a geisha robe as attire. Brain: “It’s obvious to me some hotel is missing a shower curtain.” Mach’s music here sounds strangely familiar to Drew McIntyre’s first fed theme. Worm gets the stick. Rodman: “MACHA MANN! You brought my ass all the way here to Sturgis—WANNA KICK MY ASS RIGHT?!” Holy shit, Rodman’s hammered or can’t cut a promo to save his life. Either way, who decided it was a good idea to give this guy a live mic? He wants to know where “his bitch” is. I’m presuming he means GG and not Rick Steiner who is already spoken for. Macho grabs the stick and calls him a bitch instead and then tells the crowd afterwards they can have sloppy seconds. What the hell is going on? Rodman: “C’MON OUT HERE, MACHO! I DO MY SHIT OUTSIDE!” Worm then rolls in the ring to contradict himself.

• Rodman waffles him with the mic and then sends him to the floor for some chicanery. Macho goes into the ringpost, guardrail and then a light tower. Rodman with a back elbow. Tenay: “That’s a move like a veteran! Look at that short arm clothesline!” Rodman with an elbow drop and a Russian leg sweep for 2. Rodman’s pissed and shoves the ref around. Rodman botches the ref bump and then Silverman has to get up so they can do it again. Tony: “WE ARE SEEING THAT DENNIS RODMAN IN THE WRESTLING RING IS FOR REAL!” Another ref comes out as Macho comes back with an eye gouge. Savage goes to a BLATANTCHOKE and boots away. Tony talks about the mutual respect between these two which is INSANE, even within the context of the storyline, that doesn’t make any sense. More choking and then Macho tries to give him a hotshot but Rodman doesn’t know how to take it and eats it right in the throat legit. Macho rolls to the floor and waffles a photographer and steals his camera and hits Rodman with it. That was a bit spastic. Macho covers for 2 and then he attacks Mickey Jay and tosses him. Here comes another ref and Macho dumps him. Macho charges toward Rodman who backdrops him over the top. They need a new circle of hell for this shit. Macho tries him up for more eye gouging. Macho walks him up the aisle and sends him into the guardrail and then stalks around looking for something he can’t find. Macho now walks him backstage but Rodman counters with a SNAPMARE! In the back, Macho spears him into some trash and then Macho attacks someone trying to take a shit. Macho tosses Rodman into a portajohn and then knocks it over but it doesn’t really tip, more like lean at a slight angle on a pile of trash next to it. The announcers play that as the best thing ever. Rodman no sells the shitter attack and sends Macho into a tour bus. They walk back to the ring and Macho finally hits him from behind. Tony: “What a moment! That’ll go down in pro wrestling lore!” Back in, Rodman tries a clothesline off the second turnbuckle but Macho ducks and they BUMP THE FOURTH REF OF THE MATCH! GORGEOUS GEORGE HAS COME OUT! Rodman goes to a sleeper but Macho counters to a jawbreaker. The crowd revs the bikes for GG’s cleavage. She slips a chain to Macho who wraps it around his fist. GG gives Rodman a low blow and then Macho hits him with the chain and that MERCIFULLY ends this at 10:30. This is all kinds of shit. All the smoke and mirrors and ref bumps in the world couldn’t elevate this. This combined the worst elements of ECW’s wandering brawl style and WCW’s lazy cheating main event style into one steaming disgrace. -**