Csonka’s Impact Wrestling Review 3.09.17

OFFICIAL RESULTS
– Reno Scum defeated DCC @ 2:30 via pin [NR]
– Braxton Sutter defeated Marsche Rockett, DJ Z and Caleb Konley @ 4:35 via pin [**]
– Sienna defeated Rachael Ellering @ 4:18 via pin [*½]
– Impact World Title Match: Alberto El Patron defeated Champion Lashley @ 16:00 via pin [FUCK THIS STUPID SHIT]

REBOOT: Borash vs. Mathews: Davey Richards and Eddie Edwards are brawling around the building and into the crowd; Edwards crotches Richards on the fencing, Edwards then hit a dive to the floor from the bleachers. They finally get separated, they are spending a lot of time on the commentary and Mathews is upset that there is a third headset at the table and saying that “this isn’t Smackdown, we don’t need eight announcers.” Borash say that the new owners want someone new at the table, that no one like Mathews, and that he has pissed off a lot of people. Borash then puts over Mike Tenay, who mentored him so that one day Borash could take over, but “someone left WWE… correction someone got fired from WWE and a couple idiots hired you thinking that you were the idea announcer; a Ken doll with no balls.” Mathews said he learned under Jim Ross and called a WrestleMania, and he came here for free. Borash says Ross thinks Mathews is an arrogant prick. Borash says he’s joining the booth and has some bombs to drop tonight. Cody then arrives, and teases a match with Moose. Good fire from Borash there, but we basically spent 10-minutes on an announcer’s feud and name dropping WWE to kick off our “new era.”

Reno Scum (Adam Thornstowe and Luster the Legend) vs. DCC (Bram and Kingston w/James Storm): DCC attacked at the bell, but Reno Scum quickly fought back and took control. They then worked back and forth, as Mathews discussed how expensive his suit was. DCC cut off Luster, teased the spike piledriver, but Thornstowe broke it up. Reno Scum then hit a double team double stomp to pick up the win. Reno Scum defeated DCC @ 2:30 via pin [NR] Good win for Reno Scum; DCC was going nowhere quick so them losing here was the right call. I hated Mathews forced call, noting that it was a fluke, hell of a way to put over the new guys. Borash and Mathews arguing is already old and tired, and it’s only 8:25PM ET.

– DCC argued post match.

– We get highlights from the big wedding two weeks ago.

– Mackenzie is here to interview Maria, but Sienna arrives, revealing that Maria had a nervous breakdown. Sienna promises to take out Allie, and she will make her pay; Allie’s happiness will not last long.

Braxton Sutter w/Allie vs. Marsche Rockett vs. DJ Z vs. Caleb Konley: Sutter & Rockett brawl right away, rolling to the floor as Konley and DJ Z work back and forth. Big dive by DJ Z, but back in Rockett catches a DJ Z high cross and then hits a sloppy buckle bomb on Sutter. Rockett slowly attacks everyone, but runs into a triple dropkick. They all lay the boots to Rockett, Sutter cuts off DJ Z but eats an enziguri by Konley. Konley hits a dive onto DJ Z and Rockett, back in and hits a belly to back suplex on Sutter. DJ Z then catches him with a ZDT, but is taken out by Rockett. Sutter low bridges Rockett to the floor, and Allie hits Rockett with a dive off the apron and back in, Sutter scores the win on Rockett with his neck breaker. Braxton Sutter defeated Marsche Rockett, DJ Z and Caleb Konley @ 4:35 via pin [**] This was a fun outing, lots of moving parts but it largely felt disjointed and not all that smooth. I liked the idea behind it, but I see we’re still stuck in multi-match limbo for the X-Division guys.

– Drunk laurel arrives and screams as Sutter and Allie kiss.

– We see the Hardys training at their zoo, promising to make the superkick obsolete.

Sienna vs. Rachael Ellering: Once again, Mathews’ “heel commentary,” where he buries the new talent does no one any good. They went back and forth early, trading strikes and then Ellering hit a senton for a near fall. Sienna sent to thee floor; Ellering heads up top but Sienna slams her to the mat. Sienna took control of things, but Ellering hits a suplex and they trade strikes again. Ellering then hit the STO and then a leg drop off the ropes for the near fall. Ellering misses a forearm strike; Sienna hits the silencer and picks up the win. Sienna defeated Rachael Ellering @ 4:18 via pin [*½] Holy shit, this Mathews vs. Borash commentary is so very, very bad. If I am Rachel Ellering and watch this match, I would never want to come back, because the commentary was never about her, it was all about selling Mathews’ forced heel commentary. The ladies tried and Sienna gave her a fair bit, but it was almost impossible to invest at all with the commentary.

– I cannot see anyone actually watching this and caring at all about Borash and Mathews arguing like a pair of spoiled children, it is seriously destroying any ability to enjoy this show, and it’s only 8:52PM ET.

Bruce Prichard Talks: Prichard shills his website and podcast, which is reportedly got his job. He then said that the company isn’t what it should be, a company that was poised for greatness. “TNA is dead.” New owners, new management, and a new name, “Impact Wrestling.” There will be changes, people that have achieved greatness, so they called him. He was there for Hulkamania, for Steve Austin running wild, for the Rock, for John Cena; he knows how to make wrestling great and to make an impact. MORE WWE MENTIONS. He finally brings out Lashley. Prichard then puts over Lashley as one of the best athletes today, but when he says no one can compete with him, Alberto El Patron makes his debut. Josh makes sure to drop the WWE name a few more times. They have mentioned “WWE” more times than “Impact Wrestling” tonight. Patron does he usual, “Shut up Perro, you haven’t beaten me, Perro something or other.” EC3 then arrives, and says that Patron has to earn a title shot, and says that he has earned one because he carried the company on his back, “and that is EC3… bitch.” Lashley refused, and tells Patron that if he wants a title shot, just ask for one. Prichard makes the match for tonight. Like most reboot shows for “TNA” we get new this, new that, namedrop WWE, introduce an ex-WWE guy no one really wants to really see, introduce a new authority figure and set up a title match and title change to “get some buzz.”

– More arguing from Mathews and Borash.

– Mackenzie interviews Eddie Edwards, and Angelina Love arrives and reads him the riot act, running him down. She claims that she married a real man, the lone wolf, Davey Richards. She then slaps the shit out of Edwards. Edwards says she hits harder that Richards.

– Cody is back, pretending to be a villain. Borash reminds him that Moose is in Japan and that Cody knows he’s not here. Cody tosses his GFW GenX title in the ring and acts like it is supposed to mean something.

– More arguing from Mathews and Borash.

– Lashley cuts a pre-tape promo about making Impact greater than it already is.

Dirty Dutch Mantell and his scooter are here: He “used to be Zeb Colter in an alternate universe.” Sly WWE mention without actually saying it. He gave us a history of his life in the wrestling business, and says that he loves wrestling. He was called to help make Impact great again, and was here eight years ago when Impact was great; he name drops AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Bobby Roode, Sting, Kurt Angle, Kevin Nash, Christian, Booker T; they were all here, but they all drifted away. These guys left due to bad leadership, said the fans left and it was just bad. HEY GUYS, WE USED TO BE COOL AND PEOPLE LIKED US AT ONE TIME, BUT WE ALIENATED ALL OF THE GREAT TALENT AND FANS AND NOW WE SUCK. PLESSE KEEP WATCHING, WE’LL TRY TO NOT SUCK FROM NOW ON.

– Brother Nero will train with Smokin Joe Frazier the Kangaroo. – The Hardys are written off via teleporting accident, leaving Decay to pick up the tag team titles that were left behind. They claimed that the Broken Hardys were deleted, obsolete and decayed; Matt was not amused…

What is this CHICANERY?

No being can teleport without being in direct contact with the INCOMPARABLE @Vanguard1AAR, #AnthemOwlMen. https://t.co/TJUjeEUNP9

— #BROKEN Matt Hardy (@MATTHARDYBRAND) March 10, 2017

– Borash announces that on July 2nd, TNA Slammiversary takes place. Guess what, Josh Mathews bitches some more.

Champion Lashley vs. Alberto El Patron: They worked some back and forth, went to the floor where Patron was able to take some control. Lashley quickly fought back, and they spilled to the floor again for some lazy walk and brawl including some really lazy strikes by Patron that at times missed Lashley by a mile. Back in the ring, Lashley hit a stalling suplex and looked for the spear but Patron cut him off with a dropkick. He then worked the hanging arm bar in the ropes, but Lashley quickly hit the side slam and covered for two. EC3 is out to watch the main event. Post break, Patron was in control and we got a REF BUMP. Patron worked the arm bar. New ref in now and Lashley escapes and powerbombs Patron. Patron then hits a double stomp in the ropes, thy do some counters, and Lashley hits the spinebuster for a near fall. ANOTHER REF BUMP. Fuck this bullshit. Belt shot by Patron, he covers and wins. Alberto El Patron defeated Champion Lashley @ 16:00 via pin [FUCK THIS STUPID SHIT] As a main event, this was a failure; it was slow, uninspired, labored and had no energy to it. For their big reboot show, you’d think that you’d want the best match possible, not a main event out of the Jarrett NWA title run era, filled with ref bumps and faux enthusiasm from the commentary goofs claiming that this was a classic. This was a complete comedy of errors and an embarrassment.

– Post match the refs argue, agents arrive and we have poorly crafted drama in hopes of people turning in again next week.

– End scene.

– Thanks for reading.

“Byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye Felicia!”

0.0

The final score: review Torture

The 411

I firmly believe that there is enough room for Impact Wrestling in the grand scheme of things; I believe that some guys need the company and that they can serve an important purpose. I was 100% behind them and I was rooting for them on their latest reboot, I wanted it to work out, I wanted something fresh and entertaining; but they seemingly did everything in their power to make me want to turn off the show. In my 36-years of watching wrestling, this may very well have been the most damning and damaging broadcasts I have ever seen.

I once read somewhere that, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” No one that has ever been associated with the upper management in TNA/Impact Wrestling has ever heard that I’d wager to say because “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” was the latest attempt at rebooting “TNA.”

They spent the show building to a feud between two announcers.

They spent the show mentioning the name “WWE” more than “Impact Wrestling.”

They spent the show disusing how “great” the company used to be

They spent the show talking about how the company used to have cool wrestlers, and that those guys left because the company was completely inept at producing a proper wrestling company.

Those performers left because the company sucked, lacked leadership, and pissed off all of the fans.

They gave Reno Scum & Rachel Ellering about 6-total minutes, with none of the commentary time actually dedicated to them. The company acted as if they didn’t care about them so why should I?

They went right back to a new authority figure that spent more time shilling his podcast and name dropping WWE stars than putting over Impact wrestling.

The main event was a complete joke, a slap in the face to anyone that cared or invested time in the company; ending Lashley’s run in a clusterfuck match just to give Patron the title on night one just comes off so poorly. GIVE US ATTENTION PLEASE. Well you got it, you got my attention by putting on 120 of the worst minutes of weekly wrestling I have ever reviewed.

To truly start over, to eradicate the past and to not be bound by its sins, sometimes you need to completely burn it down and start over; instead Anthem got hoodwinked by a group of people that on various occasions almost ruined and closed down the company.

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

legend